im scared.  i can feel myself slipping.

is it really the weather though?  it just seems too convenient to blame it on that.

maybe it's because it was this time of year that i met jordan.

speaking of, i haven't heard from him in awhile.

i'd like to partially blame him for how i'm feeling.  which is the truth.  some of it is because of him.

time has made it easier, but on days like today, it really, really hurts.

i wonder if it'll ever truly be gone.

he hurt me so much.  he took so much away from me.  i gave so fucking much. both tangible and intangeable things. 

sometimes i fucking hate him.

sometimes i think maybe there's a chance. 

but i could never be with someone i couldn't trust.  heroin addicts usually never get better.  i could never go through that again.

it's so hard to explain how fucking emotional and hurtful and damaging and fucking hard it is to be with a drug addict.

i wish i knew someone else who'd understand. 

if you haven't been through this, you can never understand until you do.  you will NEVER know what this is like.

he took so much from me, i don't know if i can ever get it all back.  and that scares the shit out of me.

im glad mindsay and i have reunited. ive been needing an outlet.  one that doesn't make me feel guilty...such as smoking.

 

recently i really feel like ive grown up. well, more accurately, i feel like i've begun the process of taking a good look at myself, what's on the inside, and figuring out who i am. it's such a confusing process.  i wonder if im doing it right, but then i think to myself..is there really a right way to go about this?

 

also, looking back on old entries makes me think i was crazy.  just reading shit about not eating.....is it bad that i dont remember actually doing any of that?  i really dont remember anything.  maybe that's from the weed?  who knows.

 

about james....

i thought i was so sure that after two years, i was still in love with him and wanted to work things out.  after  a really coincidental/freaky/fateful? incident with him, i was SO sure of it.  and then, just recently, when i was just going to give up on it, he turns around and changes his mind.  what the fuck?  now im second guessing myself.

 

how do you know what you REALLY want?  am i focusing too much on what i'm supposed to, or meant to do?  how do you KNOW what youre MEANT to do? 

this is more for me, to help me figure out why the things that are happening, are happening..

 

thursday, the 12th, i felt overwhelmingly sad.  i cried myself to sleep.  i didn't sleep well that night.

 

friday, the 13th i was afraid something bad was going to happen. my day started off pretty good.  i found out about a raise i was getting from work, and then i got a free latte..although just by chance..they had made it wrong for someone else.  when i got to work, i texted my friend: "it's friday the 13th, and im having a really good day. its making me nervous."  she replied.."dont be scared."  not 5 minutes later, the same friend texted me back, saying "my grandpa died."  irony?  coincidence?  satan?  i don't fucking know.  it gets better...

 

I left work to go be with her. we ended up going to visit a friend in geneseo. we stopped for food.  my total at the restaurant came to $6.66.  i was freaking out. when we got back to my friend's dorm, i checked my myspace. now, this may be stretching it, but my profile views when i checked it were at 2,666.

 

the rest of the night went fine.  saturday morning when i got home, my mom told me my uncle was in the hospital, he had a seizure. she also told me that that morning, there was a car accident in front of my house.  they were driving a brand new car and the steering randomly stopped working and he lost control.  weird.

 

saturday night i went to buffalo to visit some friends. on sunday, i drove one of my buffalo friend's car. we almost got in a car accident. the person in front of me slammed their breaks on in the middle of the road, out of anger. i swirved to miss them, and only missed them by an inch. literally.

 

Monday, on my way to school a truck swirved into my lane, almost killing me.  there was a couch in the middle of the HIGHWAY.

 

seriously.  what the hell.

 

is there really such thing as fate?  or what about some evil force?  the past few days have made me feel like i was in Final Destination.

 

who knows?  i don't.

 

 

i guess i'm not the same person i used to be. this is largely supported by the fact that i was diagnosed with a mental illness two days ago. heh.



people i once knew hate me now. i'm pretty sure this is the way the rest of my life is going to be from now on.

well, things are changing. what more is there to say?